A new relationship is often
exhilarating, intense, and fun, but how do you make a new relationship turn to
love -- and last? Though it's not easy to make love last, the hard work you put
in to the relationship will lead to a deep and meaningful connection that could
last a lifetime. To make love last, you have to appreciate your loved one,
support your loved one, and make time for love and romance. If you want to know
how to do it, follow these steps.
I. Appreciate Your Loved One
1. See the best in your love.
If you want to make love last, then you should focus on
your loved one's best qualities -- not their worst qualities. Though you can be
honest about your loved one's less-than-ideal qualities, you should focus on
his or her ability to make you laugh, their intelligence, and their great smile
instead of how they're always late or that they spend too much time on their
cell phone.
- A survey of 470 studies on compatibility revealed that the one thing many long-lasting relationships have in common is "positive illusions", which allowed the people in the relationship to see each other in a positive light. This is also known as the "positive perspective."
- Every day, look for the best in your partner and remind yourself why you are with this wonderful person.
2. Have compassion for your loved one.
It's been proven: couples who exercise compassionate love
have happier marriages. To have compassion for your loved one you have to learn
how to understand why he or she is upset and to be sympathetic to their needs
instead of being annoyed that they aren't in a good mood. Look for opportunities
to practice random acts of kindness toward
your partner and see how much of a positive impact it makes on your
relationship.
- Make it a goal to surprise your partner with a small gesture once a day. It doesn't have to be complicated or cost a dime; the time you take to send a text or leave a little note to tell them how special they are can mean more than expensive gifts.
- When your loved one has had a bad day make it a point to be extra kind by helping him or her out around the house, whether it's by making dinner, doing laundry, or even giving him or her a back massage.
3. Appreciate the little things.
To make love last, you can't underestimate "the
sliding door moments." Sliding door moments are the seemingly
inconsequential everyday moments filled with the words we haphazardly throw
back and forth at each other. They are accompanied by little evanescent pains,
frustrations, joys, and laughter, flying through our minds and our hearts that
make or break the most important relationships in our lives. These little
moments add up.
4. Share a 6-second kiss every day.
The six-second kiss is one simple and fun
activity you should incorporate into your everyday moments of transition as a
couple.This kiss is long enough to feel passionate and romantic, and it can serve as a
temporary oasis within a busy day -- for example, when you're going to and from
work. Make a goal of sharing this kiss at least once in the morning and once in
the evening. You'll see what a difference it makes.
- Greeting your partner with affection communicates his or her importance to you while reminding him or her of the good feelings you share when you’re in each other’s company.
5. Give your partner the affection and
attention he or she needs.
When your partner
lets you know that he or she wants an emotional connection, whether he wants to
cuddle or briefly step out onto your balcony to look at the stars, try to give
him what he needs instead of rejecting him, no matter how busy you are. These
moments won't come often, and if you want your relationship to thrive, then you
should give your partner the affection he or she needs, so you can get that
love and affection in return.
- Take the time to listen to your partner and to respond to his or her needs thoughtfully.
- You can't always give your partner the affection and attention that he or she needs, but you can make a goal to do this much more often.
1. Avoid the four most common
relationship killers. If you want to effectively manage
conflict with your loved one, then you need to avoid the four forms of
negativity that are so lethal to relationships that they are sometimes called
"the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": criticism, contempt,
defensiveness, and stonewalling. After observing a couple for only a few hours,
scientists can predict with over 94% accuracy whether they will stay together
or get divorced if these negative behaviors are not changed. If you find
yourself using any of these approaches toward your partner, decide to do
something about it before it erodes your love.
o Avoid criticizing your partner just to get rid of some
built-up resentment. Instead, complain without blame by stating a positive
need. Talk about your feelings using I statements and then express a positive
need. What do you feel? What do you need?
o Avoid having contempt for your partner by building a culture
of appreciation and respect in your relationship.
o Avoid being defensive, and be open to your partner's
comments and suggestions. Don't focus on trying to prove that you're right and
work on finding a solution with your partner. Accept responsibility, even if
for only part of the conflict.
o Stonewalling, or refusing to listen to your partner or to
give in to their demands even one bit, is one of the worst things you can do in
a relationship. The antidote is to practice physiological self-soothing. The
first step of physiological self-soothing is to stop the conflict discussion.
If you keep going, you'll find yourself exploding at your partner or imploding
(stonewalling), neither of which will get you anywhere.
2. Maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to
negative interactions during conflict discussions.
This will help you and your partner keep things positive
while solving a problem together instead of blaming each other, yelling, or
hurting each other through comments you don't really mean. You can maintain
this ratio of positivity during an argument by avoiding saying things like,
"You never..." or "You always..." Don't think in absolutes
and focus on the positive aspects of the situation, not the negative, if you
want to reach a solution.
o Talk to your partner as if he or she is an equal. Use “I”
statements like “I would appreciate it if we…” instead of “you” statements like
“You need to…” That way, the problem becomes “our problem,” not “your problem.”
3. Manage the perpetual problems in the
relationship.
Even the best relationships have
their problems, and not all of these problems can be resolved. To make your
love last, you should accept the problems or find a way to manage them instead
of constantly fighting over them to no avail. What matters most is not solving
these problems, but being positive and open-minded when they are discussed.
o The goal in your relationship when discussing these types of
problems should be to establish dialogue that communicates acceptance of your
partner, while demonstrating humor and affection.
o Ultimately, what does count is being able to actively cope
with the unresolvable problem rather than treating it as a condition of
gridlock. Gridlocked conflict discussions only lead to painful exchanges or icy
silence.
4. Introduce a conflict tactfully.
Using a "softened start up," or a more tactful
technique to bring up a conflict during a conversation, can go a long way in
how your partner views the conflict and how easy it will be to resolve it. To
introduce a conflict, you should complain about the situation carefully,
without blaming the other person in a vindictive, angry manner. This will lead
to a more stable, healthy relationship.
o For example, instead of saying, "You said you'd go
grocery shopping this afternoon and you completely forgot," say, "I'm
really upset that we don't have food in the house right now. I thought we
discussed that you would help me out by going shopping this time."
o Make statements that start with "I" instead of
"You." When you start sentences with "I" you are less
likely to seem (or be!) critical. Blame immediately puts your partner in a
defensive position, while "I "statements show that you are discussing
the impact on your feelings instead.
o Avoid eye rolling, crossing your arms, or looking away from
your partner. These little angry gestures can make a big difference when a
conflict is introduced.
5. Learn to compromise.
If you want to make love last, then you have to know that
being happy is better than being right. If you're determined to get your way
every time you have an argument, then your relationship won't have long-term
success. You and your partner should be able to weigh the pros and cons of any
decision rationally, and to think about how much the decision means to both of
you. In the end, you should be able to satisfy both people instead of just
having one person get what he or she wants.
o You can also take turns. If you got your way on one big
decision, when the next big decision comes around, let your partner decide.
o Both people should be willing to compromise in a good
relationship. If you end up yielding to your partner because you'd rather avoid
the conflict, then you have a problem.
6. Apologize when you're wrong.
If you want to make love last, then you should be ready to
swallow your pride and to let your partner know that you've made a mistake.
Admitting that you're wrong takes courage and will make your partner appreciate
your honesty and candor even more. If you know that you are messed up but just
want to sweep it under the rug and do better next time, you'll run into trouble
down the line.
o When you say sorry, you should mean it. Don't just say it
because you think it's the right thing to say to make things better.
III. Make Time for Your Loved One
1. Make time for romance.
No matter how long you and your partner have been together,
you should make time for romantic moments at least once a week. Have a
"date night," where you do nothing but talk, enjoy a nice meal, and
see a good movie together. You can also plan more elaborate romantic
adventures, such as trips to the beach, long hikes, or a night spent
stargazing. Whatever you do, keep it consistent, and make sure that you can
spend at least a few hours of quality time with your loved one, when all you
want to do is enjoy your love and your relationship.
o When you're being romantic, you should really take the time
to connect. Talk about your dreams, fears, and goals -- not about who is going
to do the laundry or pick up the kids.
o You should plug a "date night" into your weekly
schedule, and make this a sacred event that no visits from friends or work
obligations can overrule.
2. Take the time to compliment your
loved one.
You may be thinking, "I've
been with my partner for five years -- he or she must know how much I love her
by now." This is logical thinking, right? Wrong. Though you may know in
your heart exactly how special your loved one is and how much he or she means
to you, you should still let him or her know how much she means to you, and
that you appreciate all of his or her unique qualities. Make a goal of
complimenting him or her at last once a day with something fresh and
meaningful.
o Don't take your partner's looks for granted. If you're
dressed up for a date, let him or her know she looks nice -- or let him or her
know how beautiful they are when they are just watching TV in their everyday
clothes.
o Let your partner know about all of the things that they have
done to improve your life. Saying things like, "I never could have done
this without you," or "I'm so lucky to have you here during this
crisis," will help your partner know how helpful and supportive they are.
o Take the time to let your partner know about all of your
favorite aspects of his or her personality, whether it's his or her sense of
humor, or his or her ability to charm a new person as soon as he or she meets
them.
3. Take the time to say "I love
you."
You should say "I love
you" every day to your partner -- and mean it. Don't say it because you're
too busy, because you think they should already know that, or because you're in
the middle of an argument. You can never say it enough. When you say "I
love you," look into your partner's eyes and give them all of your
attention to let them see that you really mean it
4. Make the time for fun with your
partner.
Love isn't all about appreciating
each other, managing conflict, and being romantic it's also about being fun
and even just plain silly. Make the time to do something truly fun with your
partner, whether you see a comedian, spend hours telling corny jokes, or go to
an amusement park and laugh your heads off. Don't underestimate the positive
impact that laughing with your partner can have on your relationship.
o It's true: a couple that laughs together stays together.
Carve out some time for laughter every day.
5. Make time to pursue new interests
with your partner.
If you want to keep your
relationship fresh, then you should take the time to pursue new interests with
your partner so everything doesn't feel so "old hat." You can take an
exercise or dance class together, delve into a collection of classic movies, or
travel to a completely new place together. Though developing a routine that
makes you happy can help a relationship, making time for new interests or
hobbies is equally important so that your relationship can grow.
o Taking a salsa class together can make your relationship
sexier and more fun.
o Start exploring nature together. Taking hikes or walks through
pretty scenery together can improve your moods and help you appreciate nature
-- and each other.
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